20 Senessay (afternoon)

Well, I was totally wrong. Damn Sai Aleynten and his stupid, smug, arrogant, keep everything to himself attitude. I spent the entire morning doing pouvrin at his command. Set this on fire. Move this. Walk through this. I refused to do the last, which made him angry, but what could he do about it? And he wouldn’t tell me a thing about why he wanted all of that from me, just kept making notes on his stupid wooden board, or rather on papers he held on his stupid wooden board. At first—probably for an hour, which is fifty-two minutes longer than I should have waited—I just did as he asked without complaint. Then I got frustrated. Then I got stubborn and told him I was done “helping” him unless he told me what he was doing. And he had the gall to get smug and snooty about it and say “you wouldn’t understand,” in so many words. That was when I walked away. I came back here so I could be angry in private, since nobody else was at fault for their Wrelan’s arrogance, but then I realized I was hungry, so I stormed off to eat something. Everyone else was still gathered into groups, even though they were at lunch, so I didn’t have to interact with anyone, which suited me just fine. Then I came back here again and punched my pillow for a bit, and now I’m writing.

It’s as if he’s forgotten my world is at stake, too. He sees me as a tool to solve his problem, emphasis on “his” because he’s so wrapped up in his own importance that he thinks the whole burden is on him. Even though there are two hundred men and women here who are working every bit as hard as he is to keep this disaster from happening. I don’t know why I ever thought we might be able to make common cause. And yet I don’t have any choice, do I? If there’s even the slightest chance I could make this kathana work, if it could save both our worlds, I have to try, even if it means working with that smug git. Maybe I can attach myself to Terrael’s group. No, Terrael may be willing to stand up to Sai Aleynten in some things, but I bet he’d defer to him in this.

I hate this. I hate feeling trapped and I hate Sai Aleynten for trapping me. There has to be an alternative.