21 Nevrine, continued

“Enough,” the King said. “Commander General, Sesskia has my full confidence. You will work together to make our army stronger so it can defend this city. Sesskia, how are the mages coming along?”

“Well enough, Honored,” I said. “They’re all learning offensive magics to turn against the enemy.”

“Good, good,” the King said. “I’m confident you’re all doing your best. We will come to observe your progress tomorrow morning.”

My throat tried to close up. “Tomorrow morning, Honored?” I said.

“Unless that’s a problem,” the King said, with an expression that told me it had better not be a problem.

“Of course not,” I said. “We’ll be looking forward to your visit.” I’m still not sure what’s going to happen tomorrow morning. After I met with King and Chamber, and had that long conversation with Tarallan, I went back and got everyone working on flashy pouvrin that would satisfy the King’s need to see something that would convince him he would be safe. But that was later. At that moment, I just stood there, wondering what else they wanted of me and why they’d needed to call a special meeting just for a status report. I still don’t know the answer to that.

Crossar said, “General Tarallan, I’ll speak with you and your chiefs of staff at one o’clock this afternoon. Right now we’ll leave you to confer with Thalessi on the role her mages will play in the war. Thank you both for coming.” He stood, followed quickly by the King, who glared at him for once again usurping his role, and he and the rest of the Chamber filed out of the room, leaving me alone with Tarallan.

He’d stood when King and Chamber did, and now was leaning against the table, his palms spread flat in a gesture I’d seen Cederic use a dozen times before. When Cederic does it, it means he’s thinking hard about something. I don’t know what it means to Tarallan. Possibly that he’s trying not to lose his temper, because after several seconds of silence in which I tried to think of ways this conversation might go, he said, “No offense to you, but I really don’t think this is going to work out.”

I pulled out a chair and sat down. “Now, how could that possibly be offensive to me?” I said lightly. “Other than implying I’m too incompetent to be of any use to the military?”

He stood upright and his light-colored eyes came to rest on me. “I don’t know you, I don’t know your capabilities, and I don’t think the army is a place for women,” he said. “I’m telling you this because I think we should be honest with each other.”

“I don’t know if the army is a place for women,” I said, “but you didn’t know Norsselen once, and you grew to trust him. Though I don’t know why, since he’s an incompetent braggart who’s more interested in personal power than in serving his country.”

Tarallan’s eyes widened. “Bold words,” he said. “I trusted him because I saw his magics and they were powerful. I’m not a fool.”

“I don’t think a fool would have the reputation you do,” I said. “And it’s true Norsselen’s magics are powerful. He just didn’t understand how they worked.” I was also thinking If powerful magics are all it takes to gain your trust, General, you and I are going to become best friends.

Tarallan’s eyes narrowed. “And I suppose you do,” he said.

“Yes,” I said. “Norsselen developed magic a month ago, during the con—the Event. I developed it over ten years ago.”

“Impossible,” Tarallan said. “Magic was a thing of children’s tales until the Event.”

“No, General, mages were just very good at staying hidden,” I said, “and that makes sense, don’t you think, if they risked death if their power became known?”

“Impossible,” he repeated, but without the vehemence of his earlier statement.

I stood. “General Tarallan, why don’t you come meet your mage auxiliaries?” I said.

It turned out Tarallan had never seen the mages perform, since he’d been in the field almost the whole time since the convergence and Norsselen had told him it would “interfere with their training” if he did. The mages were able to do their performance without Norsselen’s guidance, and looked as impressive as ever. Tarallan watched silently until everyone was finished, then said to me, “I didn’t see anyone make lightning, or create black fog.”

“We don’t know those pouvrin,” I said. “I take it you’ve seen the enemy mages do those magics? They’ll be capable of things we aren’t, but there are things we can do they can’t.” I worked the concealment pouvra and grinned as he struggled to keep me in sight. Astonishingly, he wasn’t fooled for long. I get the feeling he doesn’t miss much in general.

“Now that would be useful,” he said. “How many of you can do it?”

“Just Jeddan and me,” I said. Tarallan eyed Jeddan speculatively.

“You might be too big for infiltration,” he said. “Concealment from sight is one thing, but if you’re too noisy…” He looked at me, and I could see conflicting emotions battling across his face.

“That’s right, General,” I said. “I’d be perfect for whatever it is you have in mind. Especially since it’s not the first time I’ve had to sneak into places. And I’m a woman.”

He shook his head, and smiled. “I’m going to have to adjust my thinking,” he said. “But I don’t need concealment nearly so much as I need something that will remove those enemy mages from combat. Fire is good. Raining stones down on them is good. What range do you have?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“You ought to know. That’s important to our strategy, Thalessi,” he said.

“I know, General. Can we walk out here?” I said. We went onto the patio, I shut the door, and said, “I admit I know nothing about military strategy. All I can do is train these mages. If you can tell me what you need them to do, and how you’ll use them, I can—I hope—produce those results for you. But we’ll have to work together.”

Tarallan nodded once, slowly. “You’re not what I expected,” he said, “but I think we can do that.” He extended his hand to me, and I pressed my palm against it. His skin is warm and dry, but not unpleasantly so.

…to be continued

21 Nevrine

I think I like General Tarallan. He’s not what I expected, after meeting Crossar. For one thing, he’s young to be Commander General of the entire Balaenic Army—I don’t think he’s more than forty. He’s got the fair coloring of a northwesterner, light blond hair and pale eyes that I think are gray rather than blue, and is sort of ruggedly handsome. He’s not noble, but he behaves to King and Chamber as if he’s their equal, and they treat him with respect. I can see why. He’s got the same air of competence about him Cederic has, the charisma of a born leader. I’ve heard he came up through the ranks and has earned the respect not only of King and Chamber, but of all the men under his command. And he’s kept the army strong even though Balaen is at peace, which is pretty remarkable. He’s interesting, and I think we might be able to become friends.

Though I wouldn’t have said that earlier this morning, when we first met. I was escorted back to Janeka Manor, grateful for the first time that the King had pressed these fancy clothes on me, and brought to a different meeting room than the one I’d been in before. This one had a long table, and ornately carved armchairs with heavily stuffed seat cushions, and was hung with portraits of famous Kings of Balaen, all of whom looked the same despite not being contemporaries. I wondered if they’d been painted from life, and concluded not, since they all seemed to be by the same hand. So who knows if that’s how those men actually looked?

Anyway, the room was empty when I arrived, and I wasn’t ushered to a seat, so I wandered the room and looked at the portraits, and peeked out the windows, which faced north and therefore showed nothing of interest. I waited for several minutes, trying not to become bored or angry at how my time was being wasted, until a different door opened and a black-robed servant came in, a steward I think. He stood like he had a rod shoved up his ass and announced, “His Majesty Garran Clendessar, King of Balaen. Lord Jarlak Batekessar, Lord Caelan Crossar, Lord Merdel Lenssar, Lady Debarra Jakssar.”

The King and Chamber filed in in the order they were announced and took seats around the table. I still wasn’t invited to sit, but I hadn’t expected to be, so I didn’t mind. Lenssar said, “Tarallan should be here already.”

“He has many duties,” Crossar said. “We may excuse him some tardiness, I think.”

“And who’s the woman?” Lenssar said, jabbing his thumb at me.

“Lenssar, pay attention,” Jakssar said. “We met Sesskia the other day. She entered the invading army’s camp and brought us information about their forces.”

“I knew that,” Lenssar said, flushing. “I meant, why is she here?”

“Yes,” Crossar said, “why are you here? I summoned Corrmek Norsselen. Did he think a summons from the Chamber is something lightly ignored?”

“Um, Norsselen isn’t with us anymore,” I said. Norsselen was gone this morning, as were three of his minions. I was surprised it was so few, but I didn’t have time to do more than ask Jeddan to reorganize Norsselen’s former group before I had to attend this meeting. “He became incapable of performing his duties. I’ve, um, taken his place.”

“I don’t think a woman ought to hold a military position, even one as irregular as organizing those magickers,” Batekessar said querulously.

“Why not?” Jakssar said. “I’d think it was more important that a leader of mages should have magical ability. Sesskia, I assume you’re qualified.”

“I have the most pou—magics of all the mages,” I said, “and the most experience in using them. I don’t know that I have any knowledge of military matters, but I understand we’ll be directed by someone who does.” I was relieved none of them seemed inclined to pursue the issue of why Norsselen was gone. Despite what I’d said to him, it wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have with the rulers of Balaen.

The door I’d entered by opened, and a man said, “My apologies, your Majesty, lords and lady, there was an unexpected issue I had to deal with.” He sat down near me, several seats away from King and Chamber, without being invited. He didn’t even look at me, which annoyed me, but again, it didn’t really matter.

“General Tarallan, welcome back,” the King said. “Are you prepared to defend this city?”

“We will be, your Majesty,” Tarallan said. “I’ve sent scouts to investigate the enemy position and we’re evaluating a strategy now.”

“What happened at the foreign city?” Crossar said.

“You know we had to abandon the siege,” Tarallan said. He sounded angry. “I don’t think they’ll send their troops after us, but I left a couple of battalions concealed near Brekner Pass to ambush them if they do. It’s a risk, leaving an enemy force where it can come upon our flank, but more risky not to try to meet the main army on our own terms.”

“It’s far more important that you protect Venetry,” the King said, once again sounding petulant. “We can’t afford to have the capital overrun by foreign invaders.”

“I don’t think it will come to that, your Majesty,” Tarallan said, a little too smoothly, I thought, like cosseting a child. But then I’m not sure anyone who knows him respects the King, poor man. Though I don’t know why I pity him. He’s responsible for protecting every Balaenic, which is a big responsibility, and I don’t think he takes it seriously. So I guess I don’t respect him either.

“Well, you’re going to have help,” the King said. “We’re training…Sesskia, you call yourselves mages, correct? We’re training mages to counter the magics of the foreign invaders.”

“I know that, your Majesty,” Tarallan said. “I intend to speak to Corrmek Norsselen this morning to learn how their training is proceeding.”

The King looked confused. “I thought you were in charge of the mages, Sesskia,” he said. “Isn’t that what you just said?”

Tarallan turned in his seat to look at me. “You?” he said. He sounded incredulous, as if there were something innately wrong with me that made my appointment to that position too strange to believe.

“Yes, General,” I said. I refrained from adding and yes, I’m a woman.

Tarallan looked at the King. “I’m not comfortable with this,” he said. “Norsselen and I had a good working relationship, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to change that when we are so close to conflict. I’m afraid I’ll have to insist he be reinstated.”

“Excuse me, but I don’t think you understand the situation,” I said, not caring that it might be out of line for me to address Tarallan directly without being invited. “Norsselen wasn’t removed from his position. He chose to leave. Reinstatement isn’t an option.”

“I’m the one who decides how my army runs,” Tarallan said, once again sounding angry. “You don’t get to tell me what I can’t do.”

…to be continued

20 Nevrine (continued)

Again, I didn’t even stop to think about the potential dangers. I just went insubstantial and let him run right through me, which made him stumble and go to his knees. Then I was terrified I’d killed him, and that fear turned into anger. Fury. Here was this man who had so much magic potential, had learned so much in a way I’d never thought possible, and all he could do was cling to his so-called power and bully others and tell them, essentially, that they’d never be as good as he was. And that infuriated me. It was a good feeling, a clean feeling, and I knew what to do with it.

“Jeddan, get him up,” I said. Jeddan hooked his hands under Norsselen’s arms, hauled him to his feet, and turned him to face me. Norsselen fought him, and shouted obscenities at me, until I got right up into his face and looped fire around his neck. That made him shut up fast, though he was still furious. I didn’t care anymore about what he felt.

“Listen to me, you idiot,” I said, loudly enough for everyone to hear. “I am sick of your posturing and your insistence that everyone defer to you because of some fantasy of power you dreamed up. I think you got lucky in developing several pouvrin and you don’t want anyone else to match you. How you manage to reconcile that fact with Jeddan and me working far more pouvrin than you all day long is a mystery I don’t care to unravel. But I’m not putting up with you any longer.

“If you can humble yourself, you’re welcome to learn with the rest of us. I’ll be happy to teach you. But if you persist in behaving as if the true God dropped you on the throne of Balaen to rule over the rest of us, I will turn every pouvra in my power on you until you are nothing but a puddle of weeping flesh. This is not a threat. This is a promise of the future. Drop him, Jeddan.”

Jeddan did so as I released the noose of fire. Norsselen looked up at me, and it makes me sick, now, to remember how much his expression of fear satisfied me. “If you can’t subordinate your pride to learning magic,” I continued, “get out. I’ll take responsibility for it to King and Chamber. I think they’ll understand when I tell them you were undermining our ability to defend Balaen. Now, which is it going to be?”

I thought about relenting a bit, telling him how much we needed his unique abilities, which was true as far as it went. But it didn’t go past an idle thought. I can’t believe how much pleasure I took in bullying him.

Norsselen got to his feet. He was shaking. Then he turned and left the room without saying a word. I realized I was shaking a bit myself. I said, “I think we’re done for today. I don’t know what you do for entertainment, but we all need to relax. I’ll be here in the morning, and anyone who wants to learn—” I glanced at Norsselen’s mages—“can join me and Jeddan.” Then I went to my room and sat unthinking for a while. And then, as I always do, I wrote.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I can think about the consequences of what I did. I don’t know where Norsselen went. I think he’s probably gone. I guess I’ll find out come the morning. He might try to strike back at me, but right now I can’t think about that. I can’t think about anything except how afraid he looked at the end, and how much it satisfied me. It was wrong, and yet

There. I took about ten minutes to think it through, to calm myself. Because I don’t know that I was wrong in what I did. I’ve known a lot of people like Norsselen, and most of them don’t respond to anything but violence. I just never thought I’d be that person, the one facing them down. I feel like a stranger to myself today. Me, Sesskia, who’s spent a lifetime staying out of the way and not making waves, giving orders and facing down bullies and making speeches, true God help me. That’s not who I am. Except that now it is.

I never wanted to be this person. I was happy with who I was. But it seems this is what these mages need, and I don’t see how I can abandon them. I just wish I hadn’t taken such joy in tearing Norsselen down. I wish I had someone to talk to about it.

I tried telling Jeddan, but he just said, “The bastard had it coming to him, and everyone in that room knew it. The worst I can say is they probably shouldn’t have been so relieved it wasn’t them doing it, which is cowardly, but maybe none of them could. I think you’ve been their leader since we came through the door, Sesskia.” And that wasn’t helpful. I don’t want to

Oh, hell. I’ve just received a letter—it was directed to Norsselen, but nobody could find him, so they brought it to me. The army’s back. And it seems I’ve just nominated myself as the mages’ official liaison to Mattiak Tarallan, Commander General of the Balaenic Army.

20 Nevrine

I could have killed Norsselen today. That’s not metaphor. It still makes me sick when I think about it. And the thing is, I had that same feeling of rightness I did facing down those Castaviran villagers who were attacking Nanissa’s village, as if I could see the right thing and make everyone else see it too. I won’t know until tomorrow what Norsselen’s reaction will be, but what makes me ashamed is I couldn’t find a better solution than being a bigger bully than he is, just like in that village. I never thought I’d use these pouvrin to frighten people into submission. I’m afraid of who I’m becoming.

It was in all other ways a typical day. Jeddan and I decided not to start teaching the new pouvrin until we have more “students” ready to learn. That left us with a handful of people who had nothing to do, until it occurred to me to have them start helping with instructing the rest. That was only mostly a good idea, since they kept coming to me for guidance anyway, but it still mean faster progress, and I like the camaraderie it builds when they’re communicating with each other instead of just listening to me talk. But it meant I was too busy with my group to realize something was going on with Norsselen’s until one of the mages in that group stood up and said, loudly but not quite shouting, “I think you’re wasting everyone’s time, Norsselen.”

Norsselen looked up at him and said, “If you’re not capable of learning this, Kesse, I don’t think it’s my fault.”

“It is if you’re not teaching,” Fanion (that’s Kesse’s praenoma) shot back. “Telling us to embrace our inner magic is useless. I don’t think you have any idea of how magic works. I’m going to join Sesskia’s group—at least they’re making progress.”

“Sit down, Kesse, you’re just making a fool of yourself,” Norsselen said. Fanion turned on his heel and walked away. And Norsselen circled him with fire. Fanion cried out and stood motionless.

“Stop it, Norsselen,” I said, taking a few steps in his direction, and to my shock Norsselen repeated the trick on me. I was so surprised I just stood there in my ring of fire. It was tall enough that I couldn’t step over it, and I couldn’t dismiss it so long as he was controlling it, so I had no choice but to stand there and listen to him.

“I’m tired of playing this game, Thalessi,” he said. “You’ve tried to usurp my authority for long enough. I don’t care how many magics you have, I’m in charge here and I say what we do. And what we do is stop wasting our time trying to find structure in something that just arises naturally out of who we are. So why don’t you go back to playing with your magic, and let me teach these people how to fight, which is what we’re all here for.”

I couldn’t believe it. I’d had no idea he’d so insulated himself in his own group he didn’t realize the mages were actually accomplishing anything. “Norsselen,” I said, and then I couldn’t think of anything to say that would make a dent in his self-centered ignorance.

“Norsselen!” shouted a mage on the far side of the room. She was one of those who could work the see-in-dark pouvra and nothing else, a mage in Jeddan’s group. She came forward until she stood next to me, showing no fear of the fire. “You think we’re not learning anything?” she said, and pointed at the far wall. Two bricks and a handful of rubber balls came floating jerkily off their respective piles.

Norsselen and I both goggled at her. “I can do this because I understand the shape of the magic,” she said, “not because I gained some kind of…of mystical insight, or because I practiced really, really hard with my first pouvra. And I think you should shut up and start listening to Sesskia.”

Norsselen’s face went livid. He raised his hand (I don’t think I’ve said he’s taught all these people to use big gestures when they work pouvrin, the idiot) and pointed at the woman, and Jeddan started moving forward, and I shouted, “Everyone stop!” And everyone froze in place except Norsselen, who grinned evilly at me. “You have no power here,” he said, and actually set that woman on fire.

Everyone screamed. And I did something I don’t think I could repeat if it weren’t a matter of life and death—I turned my fire pouvra inside out and used it to dismiss Norsselen’s fire before it could do more than frighten the woman. Then I worked the same pouvra on myself and Fanion. And then I took several running steps and used all my weight to knock Norsselen to the floor.

Before his goons could react, I’d looked inside his neck and found a couple of key veins, held them closed just long enough to knock him unconscious, and between working those pouvrin I surrounded his followers with fire. It was exhausting, and I was breathing heavily both from exertion and from fury. I panted for a bit, hands on knees, then straightened and walked with very slow, very deliberate steps toward the corner where I’d pinned Norsselen’s men.

“I don’t want to fight you,” I said, and I put the fire out. It was harder that time. I’m going to have to figure out how I did that, but later. Much later, probably. “You’ve been listening to Norsselen because—I don’t know, I could be wrong about this, but I think he’s saying things you want to hear. Things that make you feel special. But you don’t realize that being able to work magic already makes you special. Not better than other people, of course, not more worthy of respect, but you’ve got something only a handful of people have. And you have the chance to learn more, and be more, and I don’t understand why you don’t want to take that chance. Think about it. If you don’t believe what I’ve been saying, fine. But please don’t interfere with all these other people who do.”

They were sort of huddled into their corner, just staring at me, not exactly afraid—more stunned, I think. None of them said anything. They kept casting glances at Norsselen; I realize now they thought I’d killed him, which probably worked in my favor as far as keeping them under control went. Then Norsselen groaned, and shook his head, and looked up at me as if he didn’t remember who either of us was. It took him a while to come to his senses. Then he got to his feet, shook his head again to clear it, and ran at me with his fists raised.

to be continued…

19 Nevrine

Norsselen is becoming a problem. I’ve had more and more of his mages (the ones in his group, not the ones who follow him) come to me asking me to take over their group. It’s about to come to a confrontation, and I don’t see any way around it. I wish I could use what I learned seeing Cederic keep Vorantor in check, but at least in that case they both had a common goal, even if Vorantor’s main motivation in achieving that goal was to bring himself glory. Norsselen doesn’t want the same things I do; from what I’m hearing, he doesn’t actually want these mages to learn new pouvrin because he’s maintaining his authority by virtue of having so many, and having tied gaining pouvrin to purity of character, he’s made it seem like he’s intrinsically a better person than they are.

Wonderful. Now confrontation is not only inevitable, I’m starting to think I should be the instigator. I have to make it clear that Norsselen’s approach is wrong on every level. But he’s got maybe twelve mages who look to him for guidance, and if it comes to physical conflict, that’s a lot of people to fight. And even if that fight goes my way, what am I going to do with thirteen belligerent, bitter mages who are required by royal fiat to be here? I need some way to get them on my side. Damn it. I really wish Cederic were here, because he understands these things. I can only fumble along and hope I don’t screw up too badly.

18 Nevrine

Another new mage showed up today. Jeddan and I amuse ourselves by trying to predict which faction the new people will attach themselves to. Most of the factions are just groups of like-minded people, the kind you get in any large group where you’re looking for people who share your interests so you don’t feel lost in the crowd, and therefore aren’t a problem. But there’s still Norsselen’s people, some of whom are causing trouble in Jeddan’s group (I try not to feel too grateful that none of them are in mine), and to my surprise there’s a small contingent who think we’re doing the wrong thing by turning our magic to the service of war. I’m sure if the King hadn’t made this a royal decree, backed up by threat of force, they wouldn’t be here. Relania heads this group, and while none of them resist the lessons they’re receiving, they’re all quick to point out the non-military applications of their pouvrin. (None of them have fire pouvrin. I don’t know if that’s relevant.)

We’ve got a few people in each group who are ready to move on to learning pouvrin. I feel stretched out, I have so many things to do—teach the pouvra vocabulary, teach pouvrin, wrangle Norsselen, suppress Relania’s tendency to give orders in my name, corner Jerussa (the mage who can flit from place to place) to get her to teach me her pouvra. It’s limited to range of sight, which is still impressive, but imagine a bunch of mages who can flit from Venetry to Thalessa in less time than it takes to say “Venetry to Thalessa.” That’s a three and a half week journey! I’m not giving up on that possibility, but I have to learn Jerussa’s pouvra first.

17 Nevrine

Bad news. A couple of mages from Norsselen’s group approached me to complain. He’s been “teaching” by way of spouting meaningless but inspirational-sounding platitudes that boil down to “if you practice magic hard enough, you’ll be given more of it.” Basically what he was telling them before, only now (according to the mages) he’s backing it up by explicitly referring to his greater skill with magic. And those mages have been talking to friends in other groups who really are learning to understand magic, and they realized they’re being cheated.

So we went out on the patio with our lunches, and I had them do their best to explain how they perceive magic. I didn’t understand fully, but it took a while for Jeddan and me to come up with a shared vocabulary, so I wasn’t expecting to. It seems where Jeddan and I see pouvrin as existing shapes, me observing them from the outside and Jeddan feeling as if he’s on the inside, this third group sees magic in pieces that shift until they reach the right configuration. Their explanation was more detailed than this, and “right configuration” isn’t accurate, but at least it makes a kind of sense.

I told them I would talk to Norsselen and that his approach wasn’t necessarily wrong, since it had worked for him. I felt bad about lying to them, but I’m still working out how best to handle Norsselen, and challenging his authority isn’t the way. Yet.

More progress. The new mages are surprisingly quick to learn, or maybe it’s just that Jeddan and I know which paths are dead ends and just avoid those in our teaching. Jeddan managed the mind-moving pouvra this morning and turns out to be just as weak at it as I am. Hope that’s not a result of my teaching. He doesn’t seem to mind—asked me how hard it is to learn to pick locks. I said with the see-inside pouvra it’s not even a challenge. Neither of our doors has a lock, so we’ll have to search around for one so I can show him.

I miss the days when it was just the two of us on the road, though not the cold ground and the bad food and the small-minded, bitter, xenophobic people. Jeddan says he’s also working variations on the see-inside pouvra at night. He’s more dedicated than I am. At night I barely have enough energy to keep my record up to date before I fall into bed.

Dreamed of Cederic again last night. That was the first time in a long time. I’m embarrassed to admit that, having some privacy now, I didn’t try to wake myself up when things got really good. I miss him. I hope he’s safe and well, and that he and the mages are making progress in bringing our cultures together, because I know that’s what would matter most to him. That, and finding me.

15 Nevrine

We were a little more organized today. Had the mages practice their pouvrin as a warm-up before breaking into groups for more theory. My group is moving along quickly, though not as quickly as Jeddan’s. I think their understanding of pouvrin, that sense of being shaped by the magic, is easier to comprehend than seeing it in multidimensional shapes the way I do.

I also think it’s why Jeddan has so much trouble learning to bend his will to meet the pouvrin; he’s used to thinking of it as something that makes him change and doesn’t have experience letting himself change. So their progress will almost certainly slow down once it comes to learning an actual pouvra. Jeddan also told me he still hasn’t mastered the mind-moving pouvra and wanted to work on it privately, so we’re doing that first thing in the morning.

No idea how Norsselen’s group is faring. They sit together, and talk a lot, but there’s nothing to see at this stage. I regret putting him in charge, because I’m less certain he’s willing to accept my explanation of how magic works. And he has a point, given that he didn’t need all this talking to learn more pouvrin. What I’m hoping is that he took my demonstration of pouvrin to heart, believes that people can be taught pouvrin, and is trying to figure out how he learned them so he can teach the method to others and spit in my eye. As long as he’s successful, I don’t care what method he uses.

16 Nevrine

More progress. I hope. Three new mages arrived. Norsselen led everyone except me and Jeddan in the pouvra performance. He hasn’t invited us to learn it.

14 Nevrine (continued)

So we sat everyone down, and I talked about pouvrin, and asked people to explain what they felt when they used their magic. It’s remarkable how easy it is to see the connections when you have enough mages in one place, all talking their way through the process of manifesting pouvrin. Where Jeddan and I had been initially frustrated by our very different experiences, I was heartened to discover that in this group of forty mages, instead of forty different ways of perceiving pouvrin, there were three.

So I rearranged everyone into new groups and told Jeddan off to handle the mages who learned the way he did. Relania and I fell into the second group, and, somewhat reluctantly, I asked her to work with them. That left me talking to the third group, whose experience was completely alien to me and, naturally, included Norsselen and five of his minions.

It didn’t go well. Norsselen’s group was resistant to any suggestion I made, and my efforts to teach them the vocabulary of pouvrin were mostly met with confusion. At the end, frustrated and tired, I resorted to bald-faced flattery. I pulled Norsselen aside and said, “You see magic so differently from me that I’m not sure I can help you. But I think anyone who could learn so many pouvrin so quickly can certainly figure out how to teach them to other people. And I think Relania isn’t experienced as a teacher. So it would be best if you’d take over here so I can work with that other group.”

It worked. Good thing for me Norsselen is either not as smart as he thinks he is, or really is motivated by a lust for recognition and honor. And maybe I’m wrong, and he’ll be able to analyze his perception of magic so learning new pouvrin will come more easily to him. But the real point is that this gives him something to do when we aren’t learning battle tactics and, I hope, keeps him from causing trouble. I don’t want to write about those. I really don’t understand about military strategy, but the thing is, I don’t think Norsselen does either. He’s got us drilling in ways I think would be useless in combat, but there’s no point me saying anything, both because it’s Norsselen and because, as I said, it’s not like I really know anything about it. So I’m just going to skip that part.

It was a long, difficult day, and the only bright spot in it was that my group, and Jeddan’s, learned a little of the pouvra vocabulary, enough that they could start comparing notes with each other, and it was amazing how cheerful everyone was about it. Not that this is a morose bunch; they all seem not to have any reservations about using magic, none of the fears that we old mages lived with all the time, but I think knowing that learning new pouvrin is not a matter of luck made them all feel confident in the magic they already have.

Lunch was brought to us in the ballroom, cold meats and cheeses and hunks of bread, but dinner was an elaborate affair in the large dining room (I was wrong, the table seats fifty) and Jeddan and I chatted with some of the other mages and learned a little of how they’d come to Venetry and what things had been like in the first few days. Though no one wanted to talk about that last subject, and when bringing it up blighted the conversation for several minutes, Jeddan and I didn’t press.

I gather that here in Venetry, at least, most of the mages created by the convergence were killed, and the survivors were lucky enough to either have had hidden pouvrin or people who cared about them to keep them concealed. I’d like to ask Norsselen what happened to him, but the odds of my carrying on a civil conversation with him are fairly low. So we danced around that subject, and ate too much, and now I’m in my room, and I’m so tired I can barely think.

But I don’t need to be able to think to know I’m not leaving Venetry any time soon.

I really didn’t realize this for the longest time. Not when I was organizing mages or coddling Norsselen’s ego, not when I was deep in enthusiastic discussion with my group (after gently relieving Relania of her duties; she’s not a good or patient teacher), not even when I was consulting with Jeddan on how he thought his group was doing (very well, though his group is also smaller than the other two).

No, it wasn’t until we were at dinner, and somebody said he wanted to learn the see-in-dark pouvra, joking that he wanted to be able to sneak into the kitchen for a late night snack, and I joked back and said something like “That will take at least a week” that I realized I’d committed myself. I’d acted all day like someone who’d made a long-term plan and was going to see it through. So the first thing I did upon returning to this room, before writing anything, was fling myself on my bed and scream into my pillow and beat my fists on the mattress. Because I don’t want to do this.

I’m not a leader. I don’t know anything about what the army wants its mages to do. I was barely able to teach Jeddan anything about magic, and he’s got actual experience with learning it, something none of these people have. I shouldn’t be here. I should be with my husband, learning to blend Balaenic magic with Castaviran, surrounded by my friends and working to bring our countries together, something I’ve got no power to do here. I should pack my things and walk out of here tonight, walk through Venetry’s wall and keep walking until I find Cederic. This isn’t my problem.

Except that it is.

I keep remembering how they all looked, listening to Norsselen talk about how impossible it was to learn magic, and how they believed him because they had no reason not to. I remember becoming a mage, and how the desire to learn more filled me so completely it was like a pouvra itself, compelling me onward, and I know every one of these men and women has that same feeling. And Norsselen was telling them that feeling was wrong, that it was impossible to satisfy it. I couldn’t let them go on believing that.

And once I’d proved to them it was possible, I couldn’t walk away. I have to teach them, even if all I can teach them is how to learn for themselves. I still don’t know how those ten mages learned more pouvrin spontaneously. It could be that becoming a mage via the convergence alters how you acquire pouvrin. See? Even now, even as I’m railing against fate, I’m making plans for what I’ll do with the mages tomorrow, and the next day, and so forth, indefinitely. I’m stuck here, and I did it to myself.

I hope, in the morning, I’ll be better resigned to my fate. Right now I’m going to put this book away and indulge my petulant, spoiled self whose only desire is to find the man she loves and curl up in his arms for the rest of forever. Tomorrow, everything will look different.