30 Senessay (continued)

“So what about the things in the storage room?” I asked. “Those th’an are made of metal.”

Cederic grimaced, the faintest drawing down of the corners of his mouth. “Experiments,” he said, “from years, sometimes decades, ago. Occasionally someone revisits the idea of permanent th’an with permanent effects. Those aeden still have power, some of them, but it’s an unpredictable power, which is why they are locked away. Not that anyone but Master Peressten would dare to use them.”

“You didn’t want him to,” I recalled.

Cederic shook his head. “I did not think it fair to you to subject you to such a dangerous experiment,” he said. “I told Master Peressten to speak with you long enough to learn your language, so he could gain your consent. But he is often impatient. I’m afraid I lost my temper at him.” He looked away from me and began twiddling the writing tool in his fingers. I think he was embarrassed.

“I forgave him for it,” I said. “But thank you for trying to contain him.”

He smiled. “I am glad it worked,” he said, “even if our conversations are occasionally…strained.”

“That’s because you’re stubborn and irrational,” I said.

He raised his eyebrow at me. “You are only able to say that,” he said, “because you are so intimately familiar with those characteristics.” He smiled as he said it, and that made me laugh.

“Can you use the pouvra again, while I watch?” he said.

“Maybe,” I said, and reached for the shape of the pouvra in memory. It took a few tries, and Cederic standing there watching me made me nervous, but eventually the numbness spread over my body again, and Cederic’s eyes began to water.

“I can still see you,” he said, “but it is difficult not to want to look away.” He turned his head briefly, then looked back at me. “And now you are once again part of your surroundings.”

I released the pouvra and shook out my fingers. “I wish I knew how this could help with the kathana,” I said.

“Anything might help,” he said. “What will you use it for?”

I knew what he was really asking. Why did I tell him I’m a thief? Why do I tell him anything personal? Even if I do consider him a friend, now. “I’m not going to sneak around and spy on people, if that’s what you mean,” I said, “and I have no need to pursue my former profession, since there are all these books lying around and no one minds if I read them. But practicing pouvrin makes me better able to learn new ones. So that’s what I’ll use it for.”

“I did not mean to imply that I distrust you,” he said in a low voice, though there wasn’t anyone around to hear us.

“Then what did you mean?” I said. I swear I didn’t intend to sound hostile, because I didn’t feel hostile. Just a little disappointed that he thought less of me because of who I’d had to become to survive.

He paused, looking off into the distance, then said, “You see the world in ways no one else has thought of. The pouvra has obvious implications. I am interested in the non-obvious ones I am certain you will discover.”

“Oh,” I said. It felt like—still feels like—a tremendous compliment, and yet I’m not sure what he meant. I’m a mage because I see things others don’t, or I wouldn’t be able to learn pouvrin, but I could say the same of every mage in the Darssan. Aside from the obvious, I don’t think of myself as anyone special. Well, I am, though, because after the magic woke up in me, I could have ignored it and not learned any more pouvrin. But seeing the world differently…I think he might be mistaken about that. But it was a nice compliment, so I accepted it at face value.

After that, he drew more th’an and we talked about kathanas, which I still haven’t seen, and I began to grasp some of the underlying logic behind the shapes of Castaviran magic. I still don’t think I’ll ever learn to do magic their way. Maybe it’s more flexible, but I’m so used to encompassing magic with my body and giving it shape there that I think I’d feel hampered by the need to learn all those fiddly th’an. Learning the concealment pouvra, though, has made me think about the possibility of crafting pouvrin of my own. It’s a huge stretch, because I don’t even know what’s possible, but what a challenge! Maybe learning more about th’an will give me some ideas. But I’m going to master the concealment pouvra first. And maybe see if I can find some non-obvious applications for Cederic.

30 Senessay

I did it. The concealment pouvra works.

I didn’t realize it at first, because it doesn’t conceal you from yourself. But it makes you feel different, a little numb, like everything is happening just an inch beyond your fingers. That’s going to be a problem if I use it while I’m stealing things, but I think it might just be a matter of learning to compensate for the difference, like learning to grab a stone from a riverbed despite its visual displacement. So I knew something had happened, just not what. I left my room and went down the hall to the cavern, and wandered around a bit. No one paid attention to me, but that’s normal. Cederic was at the circle, kneeling on the floor and drawing th’an with his fat writing tool. I walked over to him and crouched opposite, watching him work. He didn’t raise his head, but I’m used to him knowing I’m there, so I assumed he just didn’t see a need to greet me, which he usually doesn’t. I said, “Does it matter what you draw the th’an with, or can you use any pen or pencil?” Continue reading

29 Senessay

Still no success on either front. Finished with the madman’s book, but Cederic asked me to watch him draw several individual th’an and tell him if I see anything familiar. Nothing. Not even that hint of recognition I got from the water-summoning th’an. I didn’t tell him about that, because I’m increasingly convinced it was just my imagination, like when you have the feeling you’ve done something or been somewhere before, and I don’t want us heading off down a false path when we don’t have time to waste. Cederic was disappointed at our failure, which he displayed exactly the way he shows every other emotion—complete lack of expression. I’m getting better at reading his actual feelings, what with spending so much time with him. Good thing I don’t hate him anymore.

28 Senessay

Still wrestling with the pouvra. Read more of the madman’s book to Cederic today while he took notes. I have no idea what, if anything, he’s learning from it, but he seems satisfied.

Learned something surprising tonight, which is that Audryn is at least as enamored of Terrael as he is of her. He wasn’t at dinner tonight, and when I asked why, Audryn said he was involved in the translation of one of the Castaviran mage books, and he was working himself to the bone, and she wished he would listen to her when she told him to eat. She’s good at hiding it, but that concern wasn’t at all what you’d expect from someone only worried about her superior. I wish I could tell one or the other the truth, but I don’t poke my nose into other people’s business. I just hope one of them summons the nerve to speak up.

After breakfast

Still headachy. I’m going to forgo a bath this morning—and no, that’s not going to make me stinky, I bathed yesterday and I can afford to miss one day—so I can write more about the pouvra. I haven’t come close to mastering it yet, of course, and I didn’t expect to. It has a strange shape, much more angular than the others, and I think it’s because the madman who described it was working from all manner of wrong assumptions. But I know it will work. I can feel it, deep inside, where my magic responds to the pouvrin and my will bends to meet them. What’s interesting is that part of what the madman did makes the underlying reasoning behind the pouvra more obvious, which means I’ll probably learn this one more rapidly than the others, all except the fire-starting pouvra, of course. Continue reading

27 Senessay

I was so caught up in trying to learn the concealment pouvra I didn’t take time to record the rest of yesterday before I went to sleep. I’m so tired this morning I’m having trouble concentrating on anything. I took my discoveries to Cederic after lunch yesterday, and he insisted (politely, he’s learning) that I read out certain passages. Then he told me things to look for, key words and phrases, and I read those too. By the time we were both ready for dinner, I’d read myself hoarse and Cederic was pacing back and forth across the circle, fingers of one hand pressed against his forehead. Finally, he said, “I think we should leave this for now. There is a book that might reveal something of what this author claims, but I would prefer to come at this fresh, in the morning.” Continue reading

26 Senessay

It’s definitely a pouvra. If I hadn’t had ten years of experience learning pouvrin from ancient, barely legible texts, I wouldn’t have recognized it. I had to go to the refectory for a glass of that bitter pink juice that I hoped would clear my head, because my brain kept trying to cling to concepts it could barely understand until it just whirled around like a dust devil, whipping up a storm that only made things worse. Continue reading

25 Senessay (continued)

It was a very comfortable room. There were four well-padded chairs, and a low table just perfect for drinks, and while I settled myself into one of the chairs, Sai Aleynten disappeared and came back some minutes later with a tray holding a metal pitcher and two glasses. This time he poured the conventional way, and rather than water the pitcher held a pale yellow liquid that looked like lemonade, and it was. We talked for a few minutes about things that were the same in both our worlds, not that there are many of them, and then I read aloud for a while. I had to keep stopping because the book referred to places I didn’t know, and Sai Aleynten (big surprise) was familiar with all of them. It really was an interesting book, though we’d been right in thinking it had no bearing on our research. At some point we put the book aside and Sai Aleynten told me more about the government of Castavir—I don’t know how we came to that subject. It was clear there were things he was skirting around, primarily the God-Empress issue, but if the God-Empress is as dictatorial as I think she is, it would make sense that he wouldn’t want to criticize her out loud, even to an otherworlder who’s unlikely to repeat his words to anyone who might care. Anyway, I now feel I have a slightly better grasp of Castaviran politics, though my understanding of politics in general has never been strong; ground-level enforcement of the law has always had more of an effect on me.

And I told him—I still can’t believe I told him this—I told him about some of the things I’ve had to do to gain access to the books I needed, which led to me explaining I’d had to steal to survive for most of my life, though I didn’t talk about Bridie or Roda or Mam, and I didn’t try to explain about the politics that lost my family its social and economic standing when I was no more than a baby (not that I understand that myself), just that Dad died when I was nine and we became destitute. He just listened, though at the end he said, “No wonder we could never keep you locked up.”

“No, that was the mind-moving pouvra, though it’s true I need to understand locks to know how to move them correctly,” I said, and then we both realized that although I’d told him about it, he’d never seen me do it. So I showed him how I could raise the tray with its pitcher and glasses, though only an inch or so, and then I worked the lock on the door a few times, and he showed his astonishment in his usual ebullient way, which was to raise one eyebrow until it threatened to climb off his forehead.

“The fine control to work that lock is beyond me,” he said, “though I think my capacity for moving larger objects is greater than yours,” and he wiggled his fingers and made one of the chairs, thankfully not the one I was sitting in, lift into the air until its back struck the ceiling. This time, I was watching his hand more closely, and I swear I saw traces of amber light following the movement of his fingers.

“Definitely,” I agreed, “though it makes me wonder something.” I concentrated on my glass, which had about half an inch of lemonade still in it, and the liquid flowed up the sides of the glass and emerged to make a pale yellow sphere that I flew around the room.

“That is truly astonishing,” Sai Aleynten said. He traced a th’an on the side of his glass, which was a little fuller than mine, and the liquid quivered, but stayed in the glass. “It seems I have practicing to do.”

“So do I,” I said, laughing, and he smiled at that. I wonder if he ever laughs. I wonder why he never relaxes. Well, he was relaxed then, but his relaxation still looks like someone else’s rigidity.

Right then my stomach rumbled, and I laughed again. “I think I should have dinner,” I said, and then I didn’t know what else to say. It felt rude to just walk away, but I didn’t think it would make either of us comfortable for me to invite him to eat with me in the refectory. And, honestly, I can’t picture him eating in there. No one would dare to joke or laugh or even speak. Except me, possibly.

Sure enough, he just said, “Then I will speak with you in the morning. Or in the evening, if you prefer, when you may have something to report.”

I said, “Then, good evening, Sai Aleynten, and thank you for an enjoyable afternoon.”

He nodded, but when I had my hand on the knob and was realizing I’d left the door locked, he said, “You should not call me Sai.”

“But everyone calls you that—did I misunderstand?” I said. I felt embarrassed again. I hate looking like a fool, and if I’d been calling him Sai Aleynten when that was wrong—that’s as bad as calling him by his praenoma when I wasn’t invited—but that’s not what happened.

“‘Sai’ is not only a title,” he said. “It implies a relationship…not exactly of obedience, but of obligation. You are under no obligation to me.”

That made me feel a little better, though still embarrassed. “Do I call you just Aleynten, then?” I said.

He paused for a long time, then said, “My given name is Cederic. It would not be inappropriate for you to call me that.”

That still makes me feel horribly embarrassed. Like I’ve written before, in Balaen names are important. We used to have a surname before Dad was stripped of power and he lost that along with everything else. And Sai Aleynten sharing his given name with me, when we don’t really have a close relationship…that’s an intimacy I’m sure he didn’t mean, and I couldn’t tell him that without embarrassing him too. He said, later, that he was the only one who could invite me to use his given name, so I guess names do mean something to them, but nothing nearly so personal as they do to me. So I’ve resolved never to be in a position where I have to call him anything. I don’t know what I’ll call him in the pages of this book. I kept writing Sai Aleynten because that’s how I thought of him, right up until he gave me his name, but obviously I shouldn’t do that anymore. It’s stupid of me to be so sensitive, but I’ve already lost my whole world and almost all of my customs, and I feel as though I need to cling to something in order to stay myself. Also, how awkward will it be if I’m the only one calling him Cederic? That’s the sort of thing that gets noticed!

Which is more or less what I said next, though it came out as, “That’s not too informal, when everyone else calls you Sai?”

He smiled, and said, “You are not everyone else, and they know it. I think you will find they are happier when you, an outsider, do not presume upon the obligation all of them have earned.”

“You mean they’ve all been cringing every time I refer to you as Sai Aleynten?” I said. I’d noticed my talking about him made them a little uncomfortable, but I’d assumed it was because I was always so critical of him. I thought I’d been embarrassed before, but now I didn’t think I could face the refectory and all those people who thought I was…I don’t know. Presumptuous, maybe?

Sai Aleynten Cederic He shook his head. “I imagine none of them knew how to correct you without embarrassment. And none of them would feel comfortable giving you the freedom of my given name.”

“I understand,” I said, “though I’m surprised you didn’t correct me earlier.”

“It never occurred to me,” he said. “And you never address me directly.”

“I don’t know whether to apologize for that or not,” I said, “but I think most of our conversations haven’t been the kind where our names are important.”

“True,” he said. He’d been sitting this whole time, and now he stood and said, “I think you will discover that door is still locked.”

“I know,” I said, and quickly unlocked it. “Thank you…Cederic.”

He inclined his head to me. “Thank you for the reading, Thalessi.”

And I have no idea why I did what I did next, which was to say, “My given name is Sesskia.” It just came out. I suppose it was partly because I felt so awkward about him giving me his name like that that I wanted to restore the balance between us, and partly because something about him makes me tell him everything, even against my better judgment. But I did, and now I can’t take it back. I hope I don’t regret it later.

So he said, “Then thank you, Sesskia,” and we went our separate ways, him presumably to his room, me to the refectory. It was an uneventful dinner, probably because everyone had exhausted their stores of fun and was ready for an early bedtime and back to work in the morning. And now I’m finishing this record for the night. I’m looking forward to studying the book in the morning. I still don’t know if I can call him Cederic, particularly to his subordinates, but I suppose Sai Aleynten is out of the question now. At least I don’t hate him anymore, because there are serious taboos about using the personal name of one’s enemy. And he’s certainly not my enemy.